anx

Sometimes i get really concerned about things very suddenly like i’ll be chilling then all of a sudden be like, “O shit where’s my birth certificate”

Konstanz is quaint and pleasant. The main distinguishing feature seems to be a large(very large) lake which seperates the residential area from downtown. Over the lake runs a bridge and railroad tracks. Downtown there is a shopping mall called Lago, with uninspired name brand stores like Espirit and Natura. The most low key shops I could find inside were a Zara and an H&M. H&M seems to be a popular staple around these parts as I've already noted some two or three of them in what appears a 20m radius of one another. Now that I've seen the other options that young people have for shopping I can better understand why so many of the Europeans whom I meet abroad seem to go gaga for this pretty unimpressive brand. Affordable and somewhat less dated then this hoity-toity nonsense elsewhere. But that's not here nor there. It mostly serves to point out that it isn't easy for me to carve out some corner for myself during my stay here. Sometimes we are just on top of each other and I am self concious mostly that I am on top of everything. Sharing this room and little mini life together has had its most splendid moments but it's also been a little cramped at times for both of us. Perhaps even another bedroom/living room I could sneak out to for some hours would loosen up the air some. But for the most part we've been sweet and gentle and elegant in our dance with each others individualities and quirks. Tonight I'd like to find a coffee shop, or cafe' rather as the Europeans call them, to hole up in for a couple hours, perhaps with a notebook and a bit of tunes.

It's mostly at night lately that i get these bursts of overwhelming affection. My heart just gets so full and I feel myself overflowing. In those moments I feel like I want to talk for hours and share secrets and kiss, touch, ask about the hidden corners or to dream out loud. And in those moments I find myself struggling to contain myself, keep it inside and let him sleep. He is working early, I am not. I am old enough to grasp this, not to take it personal or wither in the silence.

There are certain things which I sometimes feel envious about. For instance siblings. That closeness, the fantasy of growing up together in a home which isnt built upon cold rules and dictatorships. The bonds that come from a shared youth and family. Sometimes also about the engagement to creating pictures. I see the fun it makes and am reminded of this thing I've felt at different times when I've become excited about learning/mastering some craft that I could sense for sure I could be good at. In my past, my parents were always quick to extinguish any such a fire, and now that i'm older I am struggling to light the flames again. Yet I crave it and I know it's in my reach and up to me to stoke that.

The choices are at times so plentiful that the mere fact of freedom becomes it's own prison. Yet, it is time, i sense, to blossom-