lynch

 

satori

The challenge after walking through the garden, is returning. The mystics knew about this and they searched for ways to enter or to exit at their will.

When I hear L. Cohen's song, 'Night Comes On,' I imagine he is feeling this way too.

And the night comes on
It's very calm
I want to cross over, I want to go home
But she says, "Go back, go back to the World"

if i write i won't forget

 and those were the reasons and that was new york..

Woke up this morning with Leonard Cohen. He stays with me all day.

today I'm keeping us alive by writing. 

Some of the things you've said are about both of us needing to get a little older, or was it about getting wiser.

Some of the things you said were that now it is finished but then later, we were bound to meet again. 

Some of the things you say make sense and sometimes not.

Before you left you talked about a poet. Mayakovskiy was it. You said perhaps he liked at times to torture himself. That he stood one night beside the bedroom door, and listened to the woman whom he loved in bed with someone else. I understand now you experience this scene as torture. I understand now the complexity and nonsense of our shared experience.

After you've left you send a poem that you like. I try to read it before sleeping but too many words are difficult in Russian. I consider telling you that I need help to understand, but then I could also use a dictionary, and I should be more reserved about reaching out for you.

I don't know what to call it really. We shared only a brief time together but then what is time. There were so many secrets and closed doors. But somehow through it all I felt some kind of thing I only know to recognize as loving, the seeds forming in our soiled sheets. 

In another space perhaps I've shared a life with you. We had a son or daughter, who had my eyes and your laughter echoed after you.

scenarios

 Our goodbye was kind of spiritual. That is how you told me that you wanted it to be. When we have sex, it's with an urgency and hunger. We are animals, I'm pawing through your hair, hurling the hilt of my palms at your chest, pushing and fierce. When we have sex theres no concern for who said what or what it meant. When we have sex I do not wonder if you lied to me or not-

I say you can have anything you want but I didn't give this to us. You kneel on the bed naked with your palms pressed, bowing your head when we are finished. It's a funny gesture but you are sincere, saying, 'thank you,' half smiling. I'm laughing too. You say, that it's like tantra. and then ask me, if I understand. 

I do understand some things. I understand what I mean saying, as you wish, months at a time. How your eyes allow me access briefly. I understand it doesn't matter in certain moments like this, which parts were true, or whether there was one or many others. 

When you enter my apartment, I am wearing Sara's black silk robe. You ask me to wait for you naked and I say I've done my best. I cleaned my body, I have vacuumed all the floors for you. 

You tell me you'll be leaving soon. Someplace to be alone. You'd rather not say where you're going. You call it 'rehab' and then ask me if I want to stay here, in New York. I'm staying for awhile but not forever. You mention moving, but then tell me that you love this city too. Something about a second home here.

You say I'm beautiful and I believe you.

Later I imagine us, some years from now. You are wealthy, relatively famous. Perhaps you've married someone else or perhaps not. You're coming back to see me and it's like we've never been apart. 

I too, would like to go away somewhere. To read, write, to feel sand, heat, power, water rushing through. That energy of G-d, or life.

In your absence I'm afraid the words won't come so easily, if I stay here in this city too long, I might get lost too. But I know the source is elsewhere.

Oh, take this longing from my tongue
Whatever useless things these hands have done

Just take this longing from my tongue
All the lonely things my hands have done

i tried to leave you

 at least a thousand times.

The bed is kind of narrow, but my arms are open wide.

golden rule

This and thats.

Design 101:

-People need to feel safe.

and also from the movie Peanut Butter Falcon, a take-away to be recycled later:

"I don't have any money and I don't have any pockets."

On Fridays in Brooklyn, I walk down the street to Cat and Bri's house for co-working. Brian makes espressos in the mornings and we cut up fancy bagles. 

This is my favorite day because we are all together, but working independently.

The apartment is a perfectly curated space. Plants and neutral colors, with clean wooden floors, high ceilings and modulated light.

Lately, I have trouble sleeping. Sometimes my mind is just too full of noise and uncertainties. 

Berlin

Arrived to Berlin on the 3rd of February. I drove in on a night bus from the South of Germany, sleeping and reading intermittently as I sprawled across the back row of seats. I read the first few chapters of Pam Houstons 'Deep Creek,' autobiographical prose about a piece of land which changed her life. Farm land and the labors of rural life. She is decades older and a single woman too, save for her farm and her writing. The bus arrived late morning to Berlin central station, pulling into grey skys and drizzle.
I was greeted with the warmest of hugs and the most precious gift of smiling friends with glowing eyes. There laughter and my own blooming affection cheered me deeply. We took the trains back to their apartment, where we sat in the sun drenched living room munching on tangerines and trading stories fondly. They left for Leipzig shortly after and I've spent the two days since they've gone leaning into the solitude of there Neukolln apartment with Moose- a fluffy orange cat who eyes me with suspicion. 

Strange transition into this new city, after weeks of falling asleep in Timurs arms, to find myself suddenly in a different sort of extreme. In the evenings I have gone two seperate times for walks, Each time it has rained and each time I have ended up in grocery stores, mostly unconvinced about the draw of these new surroundings. I have yet to fall in love with Berlin.